In those days Bigfoot was far from somber, in fact he was one of the more amusing characters I’d ever met – an odd idea when you think that humans claim humor as their own. He was a lot bigger than me, so I was understandably nervous, and he was clearly a lot older; a sort of crusty but benign Uncle Large, who could swat me like a fly just for the heck of it. I first encountered him where I’d assumed he might be, sitting alone beneath the towering redwoods of a seemingly endless forest in Oregon – his back to the sun as it sank silently into the Pacific Ocean beyond – his massive shadow creeping slowly over the ground toward me.
Like a movie it was:
FADE IN:
EXT. GREAT NORTH WOODS – END OF DAY
Two figures sit across from one another in a redwood clearing. One is noticeably larger than the other. The smaller one has a backpack.
HIM
Interesting idea that … carrying your food around with you. Kinda limits how far you can go. Like being on a chain. Why is that?
ME
It’s a long story.
HIM
I’ve got time.
ME
I don’t – I have to get back.
HIM
Back. Right. The reason you started out in the first place.
ME
I started out to find you.
HIM
Uh, uh. Find me, then go back and tell everyone else. That’s the big difference between you and me. My life is about going forward – yours is about getting back. Getting back with something to show for it.
ME
So what are my chances?
HIM
Who knows? What’s in it for me?
ME
Acknowledgement… Guaranteed protection…
He laughs.
HIM
Who do you think you’re talking to here? Geronimo? I got all the protection I need. The only thing I have to worry about is the likes of you. The moment your lot knows I’m here, I’m as good as dead. Ever see a Passenger Pigeon?
ME
Of course not.
HIM
I have, millions of them. Sometimes the sky was dark for days. Then you guys showed up with your fucking acknowledgements…
ME
We’ve come a long way since then.
HIM
Oh yeah? How many rhinos you got left?
ME
It’s a complicated issue. We’re working on it.
HIM
I’m sure the rhinos are glad to hear that. And the tigers, and the gorillas and the chimpanzees…
ME
They are protected now…
HIM
Well good for you, but hey – let me ask you something. How come all the other monkeys get chicks? Chimpanzees, Orang Outans, Gorillas, they all get chicks. Even baboons get chicks. All I ever get is guys – guys like you – or worse. Stoned out old hippies and hunters and the like. If that cute Jane Goodall babe had showed up here in her shorts an’ all I might have been a bit more forthcoming. She used to take all her clothes off on the way to work sometimes – did you know that? Picture it!
ME
How do you know that?
HIM
I read the papers. What do you think I go into town for, a haircut and a fucking shave?
I wince.
HIM
What’s the matter, don’t like the way I talk? Monkey see monkey do pal. Like I said, all I get out here is fucking guys.
Beat.
HIM
So what’s in the backpack…besides food?
ME
This and that.
HIM
Don’t get cute. A camera you mean. Give it to me.
I clutch the bag.
HIM
Hey! I’m being nice here. I could just take it…and your head with it. (He stretches out an enormous hand) Course you could try and make a run for it… what size shoes you wear?
ME
10.
HIM
- Go for it.
I hand over the backpack. He tips the contents onto the ground. My camera smacks against a rock in the underbrush.
ME
Fuck!
He winces.
HIM
Like I was saying… So what do we have here? A map…for getting back, okay… Water, okay… Food…kind of… A cell phone… good luck with that… Flashlight, okay… Compass, okay. Swiss army knife, okay… And wouldn’t you know it…a gun!
He takes out the gun, tips the bullets from the cylinder and hurls it into the woods.
HIM
That was the plan right? Dead or alive.
ME
If you tried to kill me, I’d need to defend myself.
HIM
Why would I want to kill you? You’re human. When something is full of shit, you can be pretty darn sure it tastes like shit. Let’s cut to the chase here. What do you really want?
ME
I want to prove you exist.
HIM
That’s priceless. I’m here. You’re here. What is it with you people?
ME
I’m writing a book. I need tangible evidence.
HIM
Tell me something. If you hadn’t found me, what difference would it make? If you didn’t have any tangible evidence would it still be a book?
ME
It would just be the same as all the others.
HIM
Then you have an advantage. You’ve seen me. You know I exist. All you have to do is figure out some other way to prove it. I’ll tell you what – you do that and come back here when you’re done, and I’ll give you all the tangible evidence you need.
ME
How do I know you’ll be here when I get back?
HIM
I’ll be here. There’s one thing we have in common pal. Vanity. I like a little affirmation myself once in a while. Convince me I exist. That’s a project. What do think?
Beat.
ME
It’s a deal.
HIM
Okay then, but make sure you get it right. There’s a few things I’m kinda touchy about. You don’t make me look exactly the way I think I am, you’re in trouble.
ME
What do you mean?
HIM
Pal, you get it wrong and I will most assuredly take your fucking head off. Here’s your bag, I’ll keep the camera.
I wince. By now I’m entirely in his shadow.
FADE OUT.
Like a movie… From then on the idea became framed in terms of dialogue: a back and forth exchange between myself and an invisible arbiter. If I got it right I’d be laughing, if I got it wrong I might not have a head to laugh with. I wouldn’t know either way until I got back – always assuming he’d be there – assuming no one else had got to him first. The last Passenger Pigeon was named Martha. She died alone in the Cincinnati Zoo on September 1st 1914. September 1st is my birthday. It was a poignant reminder.
When I returned to the forest two years later, I was happy to find him again – sitting exactly where I’d left him – his face lit by the morning sunlight, reaching out through the trees behind me.
EXT. GREAT NORTH WOODS – EARLY MORNING
Two figures sit across from each other in a redwood clearing. The smaller of the two removes his backpack and hands it to the other.
ME
No gun.
HIM
I know that. So how did it go? You look good.
ME
So do you.
HIM
Compared to what?
ME
I mean it’s good to see you.
HIM
Not buttering me up are you boy? Relax. Let’s see what you got.
I pull the manuscript from the bag.
ME
You’ll give me some warning right…if I say something you don’t like?
HIM
A heads up you mean…before I pull it off?
ME
Right.
HIM
Would it make it any easier? Don’t worry about it – let’s go. I’m an upright hominid remember, not some blue assed baboon. What’s it called?
ME
1%
HIM
I’m all ears.
FADE OUT.
MALCOLM MC NEILL’s collection of essays, REFLUX was published in 2014 and is available on Amazon. “1%” is part of REFLUX2.
Other work in progress, including SCIENCE, can be seen on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/malcolmmcneillart
The post INTERVIEW appeared first on Paraphilia Magazine.